10 March 2025
Kind of like a letter to my future self.
I believe this is by far the most heartfelt piece of writing I have ever composed (and also without an iota of influence of ChatGPT; this is completely written by me from scratch).
“If you are nothing without this CV, then you shouldn’t have it.” -
— Me (well, technically Tony Stark said “suit,” but you get the point)
I thought studying from the best institutes of India, working on research projects and almost unimaginable in my first or second year of studies, working with a scientist at an Ivy League would make me a confident and fulfilled individual. But you know what, in my final semester I am feeling the exact opposite. I do not know exactly why but I feel more and more empty and life seems monotonous and dull. The same notebooks, the same code, the same routine. To what extent? It is not that I do not like what I do, I am just questioning why.
And in these moments, the uncertainty in the world, whether it is AI, tariffs, or anything else, makes life feel almost unbearable. But honestly, while I am thinking like this, I can actually empathise with others for the first time in my life. So many people, so many aspirations, so many dreams.
I went to *Tirupati* (for the unversed - a place of pilgrimage in India - widely believed to grant any wishes - speaking from my personal experience as well but of course correlation does not imply causation) a few months back and I could only care about what I could ask for. But now when I think about that crowd - so many dreams, so many wishes - just how and why? How many of them come true? How many of them are out of desperation? How many have blindly put their faith in a higher power?
The more I think about this, the more I realise that it was never about whether a higher power exists in the first place. It was simply about hope. And hope is a sad thing, rare and difficult to come by. So what is wrong if someone wants that glimmer of hope, even if it means worshipping an entity with a trident in his hands and a snake as an ornament around his neck?
I used to ridicule every ritual, every practice, as a kid. I stand corrected. Let people do what gives them hope, as long as it is reasonable of course. I still stand by the belief that blindly following something is wrong. But if it is a reasonable practice, one that does not discriminate or degrade any section of society, then let them. Let them feel that hope, that silver lining.
Speaking of which… higher powers… the more I think about this the more I realize that this was never about the higher power existing in the first place. It was simply about hope. Hope is a sad thing and very little to come by. So what is wrong if someone wants that glimmer of hope - even if it means to worship an entity with a trident in his hands and a snake as an ornament around his neck? I used to ridicule every ritual, every practice as a kid. I stand corrected - let people do what gives them hope (as long as it reasonable of course). I still stand by the notion that blindly following something is wrong. But if it is a reasonable practice (does not discriminate and is not derogatory to a certain section of society) then let them. Let them feel that hope, that silver lining. Do not ridicule traditions, questioning them? Definitely yes. But never ever trivialize them. If only you had your dream attached to that ritual you would understand their pain behind performing it. And it’s been coming for a long time. Must have a reason for sure - although one might argue how relevant the reason is in the present day - but you get the point. Respect traditions, respect people, respect their dreams, respect their presence.
I have slowly come to believe that faith in God doesn’t mean that he will come down and lift his little finger for me. NO! He won’t. That faith, that delegation in something beyond you instills the right mindset in you. Trying to learn Machine Learning? God won’t spoonfeed you. But what took you three months before will take a month now. Preparing for job interviews? Maybe you will only prepare what is going to be asked in the interview! That faith eases situations by changing your mindset and relieves you of agency.
That delegation of work helps you attain the essence of Karma yoga - let not any work cause any ripple in your mind. And when you are not attached to the outcome, you learn and attain the best. Counter intuitive but is true. In modern slang - Fuck it! I am going in!
Is it possible? What will happen? This is not upto you. This was never upto any of us. Leave it to fate, leave it to something greater. You take care of the little things with great attention to detail, someone/something will take care of the rest.
And also does he exist? I think for the most part humans do not really care if God exists. As long as he serves a metaphor, a symbol of protection, a symbol of hope, people wouldn’t really question the true nature of his existence. And maybe not understanding him is part of the reason why he is appealing and why the faith works. Not everything in life should be dissected. Embracing is also a way to go beyond. As the Ancient One puts it: Your intellect has taken you far, but it won’t take any further. And no, I am not trying to instigate Science vs Religion. I want the best of both worlds, simple. I want to learn the how life works. If it comes in a bundle of mystical elements, I am happy. If it comes with a bunch of equations I am equally happy (though I might prefer mystical elements).
The first stage is complete denial. You refuse that this is happening.